Saying Goodbye

Tomorrow I go in for my take-down surgery. It was not supposed to be tomorrow but other complications are mandating I go under the knife sooner rather than later and do everything all at once.

2 ER visits = surgery tomorrow.

Well, ok.

The general consensus from people in my world is that this is a good thing. No more bag! So great, right?! I get to be “normal” again!

You wanna know a secret? Promise you won’t tell?

I love my bag. I love Rosebud.

To me, Rosebud has been a symbol of freedom and health in my life. Rosebud has given me confidence in my body that was dwindling in the past two years. Rosebud has allowed me to get on with my life.

Love, love, love my bag.

My J-pouch is a variable. My J-pouch might not work. It will for sure be a HUGE adjustment for the next few months, maybe a year, for my body and for me. I won’t have the freedom I have now with my bag. I won’t know what to expect day to day, run to run, class to class.

Saying goodbye to Rosebud is scary. It’s emotional. I don’t wanna.

Back to the bathroom. Back to starting over again with running after training for a marathon all summer. Back to figuring out what I can and cannot eat. Back to panicking.

But I know I have to try and I know I can go back if it doesn’t work for me. And I know that no matter what happens, JB is there, loving me with or without my bag.

So, here I go. “Starting Over”-type blogs to come. Sorry for being light on the running part of the blog. I hope to be back in business asap.

Wishing everyone great races this weekend, especially my friends at the Portland, Chicago, and Twin Cities Marathons, or last long runs for my New York and Marine Corps marathoners.

Thank you all for your supportive, moving comments. I’m looking forward to coming back and running stronger every day!

Now go out and run.

Advertisements

Better Than the Alternative Tuesdays: Gut Check

Happy holy-hell-it-is-freakin-cold-out-there-Batman Tuesday! My Tuesday has been upside-down and inside-out from the beginning. I blame the blistering cold weather for feeling off.

Back to Snow Beast attire.

Admittedly, I am in no rush for the sweaty, hot days of summer to get here since it will mean that every piece of my wardrobe will be drenched the minute we hit 80°F (that’s 26.67°C for my science friends out there–why aren’t we on the metric system yet, by the way?!).

Wow. That was quite a tangent.

Here’s the thing, when was the last time you had a Gut Check? You know, had someone in your world push back against something you said, tried something you were fairly sure you couldn’t do, had someone call your bluff. A Gut Check.

You know why it’s important to have a Gut Check every once in a while? Because we usually gravitate toward things that make us feel better. The friend who consoles us, the significant other who comforts us, the co-worker who sides with us, the parent who kisses our head and tells us we’re perfect and nothing is our fault.

Bleh.

I absolutely love that JB is (occasionally, brutally) honest with me. I love that my closest family members and friends give it to me straight…most of the time, but always when I need it the most. Without them, I wouldn’t have even tried to go to PT school, which is my dream and also the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

And I moved from the suburbs of Colorado to Brooklyn. Yes, PT school is still scarier.

First day of Anatomy Cadaver lab = TERRIFYING!

The people who run away from Gut Checks are either scaredy cats or narcissists. It’s ok to be afraid. You can get over fear, you will likely never get over being a narcissist. I used to be a scaredy cat where my career was concerned. Sure, I could move from Colorado to NYC but I couldn’t get up the courage to go back to school. I needed JB, the Obi-wans, Red, my family and my bestest girlfriends. My Gut Checks.

Gut Check: you’re smart enough, so why haven’t you gone back to school?

Gut Check: you say you want to run a marathon, but have you signed up for one?

Gut Check: you say you want a new job, but have you been pounding the pavement?

Gut Check: you want to meet someone, but do you actively pursue dates?

Gut Check: you want to do trapeze/skydive/zumba, but you just got on the elliptical…again.

Gut Check: you want to change your life, but you really spend most of your time whining about it, not changing it.

This is the face of me, post-Gut Check.

Gut Check. We all need them. They help us grow, change, venture out of our comfort zone to reach higher highs…and sometimes some lows. But you get to live. So don’t shy away from people who offer you that Gut Check. It’s likely that they care about you, want you to succeed and cannot stand listening to you bellyache about your life anymore (see Season 2, Episode 13 of “Sex and the City”).

Don’t be afraid of the Gut Check. It might be just the thing you need to make the leap. It will make your life richer, fuller and more awesome. It did for me.

“Do or do not. There is no try.” -Yoda

Get it. Gut Check. It’s way Better Than the Alternative.

Now go out and run.