Happy BTAT, everyone. After a weekend of rest watching my favorite Christmas movie, A Muppet Christmas Carol, and listening to the Harry Connick Jr. Holiday Station on Pandora (with a little Michael Bublé and Charlotte Church thrown in for good measure), I am finally feeling the spirit of the season. Hooray! I hope you are, too.
This month/year/two years has really been an exercise in letting go for me. So many unexpected things have happened to me and my family over the past few months and years that I never dreamed we’d be dealing with at this point in our lives that I have had to practice the art of letting go more than I want to admit. Let’s be clear: I am a control freak. Ask JB (or anyone else who has met me, really) and they will tell you that I am a girl who gets things done and wants to do it in my own way. I blame it on being one of five very strong-willed children. We are all do-ers and independent do-ers at that!
Point is, I hate The Unknown. H.A.T.E. Yes, I am going to use the word hate because it really is something I hate with a fiery passion.
I know exactly what is in my refrigerator and what I’m having for lunch today. I know how far my runs are and approximately how many minutes it takes me to run to my favorite entrance of Central Park (9 minutes, 15 seconds appx). I know what time the bathrooms open and close on the East River and which ones are likely not to have TP. I know how long the M15 express takes me to get to my specialist and what time I have to leave for work during rush hour on the subways. I know exactly how much money is in my bank account and how much dinner will cost tonight, depending on what I’m making, and what time I am going to bed tonight.
I make it my job to know stuff. Lots of stuff. It makes me feel safe. Knowledge is power, right?
Thus, I HATE The Unknown.
Maybe that’s why curve balls seem to fly in my general direction on a regular basis.
You see, there’s no way of knowing how my stomach will feel day to day or hour to hour.
There’s no way of knowing if the meds me/everyone else is taking will work and we will all survive these diseases.
I have no way of knowing whether or not this weekend will be success and things will get back on track or if it will be a disaster and things will continue to suck.
I don’t know what my Physics grade will end up being.
I don’t know if any of the schools I applied to will ask me in for interviews.
I don’t know a lot of things. And anything can happen, which is why I’m terrified of The Unknown.
And then something magical happens. The Unknown turns out to be awesome.
That terrifying moment when you realize things could go spectacularly to pieces and then it all works out for the better? That’s The Unknown, too. And that Unknown is what has taught me to embrace The Great Unknown and let go of trying to control it all.
I am no zen master and I am still a ridiculous control freak, but I’m getting better. And isn’t that what it’s all about? Getting better. Getting better at letting go. Getting better about giving 110%. Getting better at doing scary stuff. Getting better at living life, not just surviving life.
So, there. I’m getting better at not freaking out about The Unknown.
So, Unknown, you are what makes it BTAT today. I will embrace you (not too close, we’re still getting acquainted) but only because sometimes you turn out to be kinda awesome. And, let’s face it, I really don’t have much to complain about because no matter what you’ve thrown my way, it beats the hell out of the alternative.
Now go out and run!